5 Places to Bleed in the Next Year

Published on March 3, 2016March 4, 2016 by medianintelligenceLeave a comment

We’re already 2 months deep into this year and she’s feeling us… but that doesn’t mean we are too late to plan ahead! There’s lots of world out there to see and you have 10 more months to see it in the year of the monkey! What’s that you say? For two and a half of those months you will be shedding your uterus walls? Don’t worry! Despite being (most likely) female, there are still places on this great planet that you will feel perfectly fine traveling to while your body is betraying you and shaming your family. Check out these hot “spots” and start packing those tamps!

*UPDATE: These travel locales could double as a list of places you could potentially kill someone and get away with it!

1. Patpong, Bangkok:

Bangkok’s red light district! Breath in the sights, sounds and smells of a sex culture a world away, and yet somehow so familiar and somewhat pelagic! Thailand’s famous red light district is packed full of women who ovulate and LOVE getting their periods. Bleeding is a fetus-less fete, even if it is still hidden from sight of the delicate constitutions of men. If your lady gusher breaks the levees, you’re sure to find something to hold back the flood in this locale! Go to the world famous Kum Poon restaurant and then get a 10min rickshaw to the poon kum restaurant*. (*Not local nickname) On the map, the double alleyway that makes up Patpong looks like the tampon you’re sporting while soaking up a life experience worth remembering! And the red light will hide any labia leaks.

UPDATE: If you’re planning on shooting someone multiple times in the back – head here not only for the amount of people completely distracted and therefore terrible witnesses, but also for the ease with which the blood with drain into the gutters with the other unmentionable liquids. Never noticed or given a second glance. Your dead buddy can hang out with the other derelicts for awhile before anyone notices its lifelessness. Choose to use that time to get away, or partake in the alleyway pussy specials!

2.Middle Island’s Pink Lake:

Find yourself in the southern hemisphere when your southern starts to hemisphere? Just “pad”dle on over to Australia’s Recherche Archipelago where scientists are mystified by the color of a local body of water off the south coast of the continent. Like the female south coast that most men can never understand – they have yet to figure out why the lake takes on the pink color that will make your selfies so striking and the envy of all pastel lovers. Go ahead and take a dip – no one will ever notice you add your own puss pigment to the bizarre natural wonder. And when you’re ready to dry off, you will find the Eucalyptus tree bark to be very absorbent for all panty percolations. If taken directly from the hand of an adorable koala bear, it will help to stem the floodgates of fury so often in tandem with the cooter currents Shout out to runner up Lake Retba in Senegal!

Pink-Lake-Hillier-1

UPDATE: Hacking someone to death with a machete? First get them intrigued in this lake’s natural beauty. Why heft the body parts yourself? Make them walk there! Dump that shit in the lake when no one’s looking. Again – the color of the water readily hides the leaking hacked flesh, and you can rest assured that your deeds will go unnoticed.

3.Horseshoe Bay Beach:

But what if you want to lay on the sandy beach and just enjoy the fresh air without being wetter than what your blotched britches? Try the Horseshoe Bay Beach in Bermuda. Gorgeous pink sands will hide any crotch crevice trickles while you absorb all the v-D your body can handle! If you’re wondering what miracle of nature conspired with your cycle to bring you a vacation from paradise, look to the pulverized seashells homogenized into the white sands around you. Female flow friendly Foraminifera, red-shelled creatures, pre-stained the spot hundreds of years before you every ovulated, so worry not about your trout spout! Sit back and enjoy all the perfectly themed “bloody wave” imagery and feel like the Red Queen who has found her element. Runner up shout out to the Pink Sand Beach in the Bahamas.

UPDATE: Crushing someone with your car and need a spot to wash away the morbid act? This beach always looks like someone’s entire blood supply is slowly draining into the ocean. Just hide the lifeless human among the rocks and let them unwittingly add to the scenery.

4.China – Spring Festival:

What better way to hide your snatch shower than wearing vibrant red from head to toe? Visiting China during their new year celebration will give you occasion to do just that! Pack up all all your maroons and crimsons and don’t forget the super-soakers for your drizzling dumpling. Prepare to bring in the new year like the fiery hormonal dragon that you are! As you camouflage your erubescent undercarriage you’ll also get the added benefit of scaring away evil spirits and bad fortune. According to Chinese folklore, the monster Nian who liked to eat children, is terrified of red. What better metaphor to celebrate festivities and fireworks while your utey squirts!

UPDATE: Forcing an Ebola-filled needle into someone’s heart? The Chinese Spring Festival is a great place to bleed from every pore! Get your buddy to any province you desire and let them wonder off into the sunset – dying and scaring Nian at the same time. Everyone will be impressed with their elaborate costume! Note: this doesn’t work as well if you are also infected with Ebola. Take precautions!

5. La Tomatina Festival:

You might have seen this coming, like the cycle you counted down on the calendar. When your body is attempting to make you into Pollock painting – why not help it along in the most ultimate food fight on Earth. In the town of Bunol in Valencia, on the last Wednesday of every August – everyone loses their damn minds. Which is perfect for a woman with a venting vulva! Juicy red squishy tomatoes do all the heavy lifting to cover up your spray days. Don’t bother bringing the drop stoppers to this one, just be the first on the scene and get ready to hide your red sauce in the melee of flying fruit.

tomaltino

UPDATE: Planning on causing major arterial spray? Look no further than this giant pit of people and tomatoes, both unsuspecting camouflage for your criminality. Easily finish your malefaction and be on your way.

There you have it – 5 places that will welcome you with open arms even when you’re shedding down your legs (or gruesomely ending a person’s life). Happy travels, touring twat tides!

#travel #funny #health #Asia #murder

Gary – a story of true love*

Published on September 17, 2015September 17, 2015 by medianintelligenceLeave a comment

Having a tough time in the dating world? Want a love story with a happy ending. Meet Gary.

He was a lone wolf. A Mork without a Mindy. A peanut butter without a jelly. A bachelor.

And then he saw her. From across the way.

He made his way over. It took a long a while, due to his crippling insecurities… and scoliosis.

But when he finally made it, and she hadn’t run away – he realized…

She was even more beautiful than he had thought.

Now she’s his trap queen and they live happily ever after.

Never give up on love, guys!

*this might be more of a story about finding delicious food. Either way – it’s a happy story.

Top 5 Pets – Ranked by Poop

Published on July 13, 2015July 15, 2015 by medianintelligenceLeave a comment

5. Cats: Let’s be honest, having a box of shit somewhere in your house is less than ideal. And what do you get for keeping said shit in said house? A thing that bites and scratches and knocks your TV over. We’ve all seen the videos. Let’s examine this shit house; large box of sand, with a plastic spatula next to it, ready for your twisted game of buried treasure. And waiting for your attention are large Lincoln logs or diarrhea discs of fish smelling squirts. Hopefully you’re cat isn’t at all under the weather, because then you’re looking in the wrong place. Check your laundry basket for hints that your puss is sick (and hates you). Not to mention that by the very act of shitting, your cat is trying to kill you. Felines are big enough animals to make pretty big feces, especially when you consider that you’re stacking it up like mud bricks instead of disposing of it as it happens. 2 out of 5 stars.

4. Small Dogs: Dogs are walked outdoors multiple times a day, because they are self respecting animals that don’t want to destroy the inside of the house in which their loved ones live. Big dogs have big insides and that can lead to big stacks of poo for you to either pick up or run away from at high speeds (so as not to be seen shirking your duty duties). But small dogs don’t have that issue. Small dogs have small compact butt holes that produce small compact presents for little bum baggies to pick up. And even if the wee pup has an accident inside the house, it’s usually tiny and very easy to clean up; politely pooped out of the way in some corner. In case of sickness the mess smoothly seeps into the grass, feeding the soil and renewing the earth. 3 out of 5 stars

3. Bunnies: Bunnies mostly live in cages. But even if they’re let out of their tiny prisons, their petite pellets are very quickly and easily eliminated from your living space. A cage full of them is no trouble at all as it easily dumps into a nice compost heap in your backyard. I also have it on good authority that they eat a lot of their poop. Like Donald Trump. If you want to take your bunny for a walk, no one will bat an eye should you leave the droppings in the grass. No one will even see what happened. However – watch for hawks – you’re walking a bunny outside. 4 out of 5 stars

2. Red Eyed Tree Frog: These guys are tiny and eat mostly crickets, the potato chip of bugs. Their poop smears are tiny Rorschach tests on the fake foliage in their glass aquarium. If you see a squirt of poop paint about the size of a pinky nail – he just had the BM of his short life. Just a quick wipe down of the whole glass house is all that’s required here. 4.5 out of 5 stars.

1. Wild Squirrel: Cute, frisky, inexpensive to keep – wild squirrels are an ideal pet poop-wise too. What does it look like? How much to do they go? Is it good for your skin? Who knows! Nuts aren’t the only thing these little guys like to hide. Their dung dailies are a well kept secret in the animal kingdom. Open the window, throw out those stale muffins and have some quality time with your wild squirrel. Then watch as he politely leaves to have some privacy during his feral feces fix. 5 out of 5 stars.

2 Tips for staying in a bad relationship*

Published on May 22, 2015May 22, 2015 by medianintelligenceLeave a comment

1. Remember how your parents used to do it. They probably taught you some great pointers on how to deal with someone you can’t stand. Passive aggressive comments instead of real communication. Breaking cherished items. Substance abuse. We can learn so much from those that came before us.

2. Ignore Everything. It’s not going to do you any good to see them flirting with their ex. Nor will it help to know that they aren’t telling you the truth about something. Those glares and eye rolls they give you in public, eating all your gum, leaving trash in your car. Block it all out. ALL OF IT.

Congratulations! You’re in a terrible relationship! And you can stay there as long as you can stand it.

*Possible side effects include depression, social anxiety, and thoughts of murder. If any of these occur please stop the relationship immediately and consult a doctor.