Find yourself in the southern hemisphere when your southern starts to hemisphere? Just “pad”dle on over to Australia’s Recherche Archipelago where scientists are mystified by the color of a local body of water off the south coast of the continent. Like the female south coast that most men can never understand – they have yet to figure out why the lake takes on the pink color that will make your selfies so striking and the envy of all pastel lovers. Go ahead and take a dip – no one will ever notice you add your own puss pigment to the bizarre natural wonder. And when you’re ready to dry off, you will find the Eucalyptus tree bark to be very absorbent for all panty percolations. If taken directly from the hand of an adorable koala bear, it will help to stem the floodgates of fury so often in tandem with the cooter currents Shout out to runner up Lake Retba in Senegal!
UPDATE: Hacking someone to death with a machete? First get them intrigued in this lake’s natural beauty. Why heft the body parts yourself? Make them walk there! Dump that shit in the lake when no one’s looking. Again – the color of the water readily hides the leaking hacked flesh, and you can rest assured that your deeds will go unnoticed.
But what if you want to lay on the sandy beach and just enjoy the fresh air without being wetter than what your blotched britches? Try the Horseshoe Bay Beach in Bermuda. Gorgeous pink sands will hide any crotch crevice trickles while you absorb all the v-D your body can handle! If you’re wondering what miracle of nature conspired with your cycle to bring you a vacation from paradise, look to the pulverized seashells homogenized into the white sands around you. Female flow friendly Foraminifera, red-shelled creatures, pre-stained the spot hundreds of years before you every ovulated, so worry not about your trout spout! Sit back and enjoy all the perfectly themed “bloody wave” imagery and feel like the Red Queen who has found her element. Runner up shout out to the Pink Sand Beach in the Bahamas.
UPDATE: Crushing someone with your car and need a spot to wash away the morbid act? This beach always looks like someone’s entire blood supply is slowly draining into the ocean. Just hide the lifeless human among the rocks and let them unwittingly add to the scenery.
What better way to hide your snatch shower than wearing vibrant red from head to toe? Visiting China during their new year celebration will give you occasion to do just that! Pack up all all your maroons and crimsons and don’t forget the super-soakers for your drizzling dumpling. Prepare to bring in the new year like the fiery hormonal dragon that you are! As you camouflage your erubescent undercarriage you’ll also get the added benefit of scaring away evil spirits and bad fortune. According to Chinese folklore, the monster Nian who liked to eat children, is terrified of red. What better metaphor to celebrate festivities and fireworks while your utey squirts!
UPDATE: Forcing an Ebola-filled needle into someone’s heart? The Chinese Spring Festival is a great place to bleed from every pore! Get your buddy to any province you desire and let them wonder off into the sunset – dying and scaring Nian at the same time. Everyone will be impressed with their elaborate costume! Note: this doesn’t work as well if you are also infected with Ebola. Take precautions!
You might have seen this coming, like the cycle you counted down on the calendar. When your body is attempting to make you into Pollock painting – why not help it along in the most ultimate food fight on Earth. In the town of Bunol in Valencia, on the last Wednesday of every August – everyone loses their damn minds. Which is perfect for a woman with a venting vulva! Juicy red squishy tomatoes do all the heavy lifting to cover up your spray days. Don’t bother bringing the drop stoppers to this one, just be the first on the scene and get ready to hide your red sauce in the melee of flying fruit.
UPDATE: Planning on causing major arterial spray? Look no further than this giant pit of people and tomatoes, both unsuspecting camouflage for your criminality. Easily finish your malefaction and be on your way.
There you have it – 5 places that will welcome you with open arms even when you’re shedding down your legs (or gruesomely ending a person’s life). Happy travels, touring twat tides!
#travel #funny #health #Asia #murder
Having a tough time in the dating world? Want a love story with a happy ending. Meet Gary.
He was a lone wolf. A Mork without a Mindy. A peanut butter without a jelly. A bachelor.
And then he saw her. From across the way.
He made his way over. It took a long a while, due to his crippling insecurities… and scoliosis.
But when he finally made it, and she hadn’t run away – he realized…
She was even more beautiful than he had thought.
Now she’s his trap queen and they live happily ever after.
Never give up on love, guys!
*this might be more of a story about finding delicious food. Either way – it’s a happy story.
5. Cats: Let’s be honest, having a box of shit somewhere in your house is less than ideal. And what do you get for keeping said shit in said house? A thing that bites and scratches and knocks your TV over. We’ve all seen the videos. Let’s examine this shit house; large box of sand, with a plastic spatula next to it, ready for your twisted game of buried treasure. And waiting for your attention are large Lincoln logs or diarrhea discs of fish smelling squirts. Hopefully you’re cat isn’t at all under the weather, because then you’re looking in the wrong place. Check your laundry basket for hints that your puss is sick (and hates you). Not to mention that by the very act of shitting, your cat is trying to kill you. Felines are big enough animals to make pretty big feces, especially when you consider that you’re stacking it up like mud bricks instead of disposing of it as it happens. 2 out of 5 stars.
4. Small Dogs: Dogs are walked outdoors multiple times a day, because they are self respecting animals that don’t want to destroy the inside of the house in which their loved ones live. Big dogs have big insides and that can lead to big stacks of poo for you to either pick up or run away from at high speeds (so as not to be seen shirking your duty duties). But small dogs don’t have that issue. Small dogs have small compact butt holes that produce small compact presents for little bum baggies to pick up. And even if the wee pup has an accident inside the house, it’s usually tiny and very easy to clean up; politely pooped out of the way in some corner. In case of sickness the mess smoothly seeps into the grass, feeding the soil and renewing the earth. 3 out of 5 stars
3. Bunnies: Bunnies mostly live in cages. But even if they’re let out of their tiny prisons, their petite pellets are very quickly and easily eliminated from your living space. A cage full of them is no trouble at all as it easily dumps into a nice compost heap in your backyard. I also have it on good authority that they eat a lot of their poop. Like Donald Trump. If you want to take your bunny for a walk, no one will bat an eye should you leave the droppings in the grass. No one will even see what happened. However – watch for hawks – you’re walking a bunny outside. 4 out of 5 stars
2. Red Eyed Tree Frog: These guys are tiny and eat mostly crickets, the potato chip of bugs. Their poop smears are tiny Rorschach tests on the fake foliage in their glass aquarium. If you see a squirt of poop paint about the size of a pinky nail – he just had the BM of his short life. Just a quick wipe down of the whole glass house is all that’s required here. 4.5 out of 5 stars.
1. Wild Squirrel: Cute, frisky, inexpensive to keep – wild squirrels are an ideal pet poop-wise too. What does it look like? How much to do they go? Is it good for your skin? Who knows! Nuts aren’t the only thing these little guys like to hide. Their dung dailies are a well kept secret in the animal kingdom. Open the window, throw out those stale muffins and have some quality time with your wild squirrel. Then watch as he politely leaves to have some privacy during his feral feces fix. 5 out of 5 stars.
1. Remember how your parents used to do it. They probably taught you some great pointers on how to deal with someone you can’t stand. Passive aggressive comments instead of real communication. Breaking cherished items. Substance abuse. We can learn so much from those that came before us.
2. Ignore Everything. It’s not going to do you any good to see them flirting with their ex. Nor will it help to know that they aren’t telling you the truth about something. Those glares and eye rolls they give you in public, eating all your gum, leaving trash in your car. Block it all out. ALL OF IT.
Congratulations! You’re in a terrible relationship! And you can stay there as long as you can stand it.
*Possible side effects include depression, social anxiety, and thoughts of murder. If any of these occur please stop the relationship immediately and consult a doctor.
Snacks are an integral part of the American culture. What would one’s day be without some food between food? Who are we without something to munch on during down times? 90% of Americans who work at an office snack at that same office. And the other 10% are embezzling – and we all know that makes you lose your appetite. Here’s a few tips to snacking during your work day.
1. Scan for free snacks: Chances are if you work in corporate America there are some snacks nearby. Scan your office for the freebies as soon as you walk in the door, before they get swiped by interns and clients! Go from floor to floor – explore your territory. Some hidden gems might be right under your nose! It is imperative that you get the free stuff to offset your snack budget.
2. Ask the assistants what’s on the schedge: Look out for those early morning meetings or clients coming in over lunch hour. Chances are the top dogs have declared food to be ordered to ease the pain of working over traditional eating times. Chances are even greater that the people working will not eat all said food because they are attempting to offset not having any time to work out by eating less. Those snacks are coming to a break room near you – get ready!
3. Know the vending machine guy’s 1st name: Do not ignore this unsung hero. Get to know him as he wheels his wares from machine to machine. Learn his schedule. Not only can you be first in line when they finally get that pasta salad back into the refridgerated machine – but you can also chat him up for other options. This man (woman) is a gate keeper to deliciousness!
4. Have a good hiding place at your desk. Sure you can bring in your own snacks, and yes that will save some money. But the problem will always remain that co-workers will expect you to share your goods with them. Like prisoners of war share what little food/water/sunshine they have – coworkers, believe that what’s yours is theirs. Know a good spot to cram those chocolate covered pretzels before they’re spotted by the people following tip #1. I have a magnetic box that I keep on the underside of my metal desk.
5. Pace yourself. Something about snacking in the work place makes everyone want to gorge themselves until their cheap office chairs drop them down a few inches. Take your time. You now have a good idea of what snacks are, and will be available to you. Make a game plan. Don’t start with all the candy from the HR department, you’ll get sick and not be able to partake of the bagels from the morning legal meeting. Grab an apple from the receptionist’s fruit basket once in a while – your gut will thank you! Also be sure to leave room for any surprises. I’ll never forgive myself for eating those half-stale pastries right before the PR girls had a pizza party when none of their diets would allow them to eat pizza.
Ok – you’re well on your way to eating through every hour of your work day! Don’t forget those pretzels under your desk – they might attract rats if left there too long.
Median Intelligence 